I haven’t been inspired to write lately.
I’ve been in and out of the oral surgeons office dealing with one of the things I hate about myself the most; my teeth.
I have been embarrassed. I have been told to smile.
I am tired. I am working extra hours to make sure my paycheck isn’t miserable.
I am nervous about the amount of money I am spending to be able to have a smile.
I don’t know how to smile with my teeth.
The dental assistant was taking forms of my teeth and she asked to me smile regularly and I started to cry because I don’t know how to do. I don’t do that. I smile with my mouth closed.
I thought I would be strong about this, but when something has effected you so profoundly since you were old enough to remember, the scars are deep.
I have a condition called dental fluorosis. This means that when I was in my formative years I was drinking water that had to much fluoride in it. What this did was destroy the enamel on my teeth. It left my teeth with brown stains that are unable to fixed through bleaching. I am the kind of person who covers her mouth with her hand or smiles with her mouth closed.
Growing up I was teased mercilessly. People used to call me YT…standing for “yellow teeth.” I know it was really clever. But the years of taunting really stung deep.
Last week I had a dental issue and the dentist informed me I needed to take care of it asap. So I did. I put up with various numbing shots and hours of being in the chair. And luckily for me, though I have no dental insurance, I was able to pay for it. The problems were resolved and at the end, I told the dentist that it didn’t really matter because I hate my teeth, they are ugly and I probably won’t take care of them well.
He suggested that I get porcelain veneers. I have thought of this often, but have never been financially able to. I am financially able to now and as I am no longer an addict and in a really good place, I am going to do it. I am going to have porcelain veneers on my front six teeth.
This is tremendous for me. I will be able to smile, to really smile for the first time. But then I am nervous. My teeth are a huge part of my identity and the financial costs are staggering at best.
I get them on the 28th.
For the next two weeks, I will remain the same in spirit and kind.
But once I get the veneers, will I lose my identity?
